ID vs. Evolution

I might be the last person to weigh in on the evolution-creationism controversy. I might also be the last person anybody would want to hear from on this hot topic, but that hasn’t stopped any of the other gas bags who couldn’t find their big bang with two opposable thumbs.

What I like best about this subject is that you clearly don’t have to understand a thing about physics, natural history, cosmology, biology, theology, or bibliography to engage the debate. In fact you don’t have to know scatology to form an opinion about evolution and creationism -- and I’ll prove it.

The problem with commencing upon an argument based on a thoroughly empty head is knowing where to start. You can’t create something from nothing unless you’re, well, you know who. So, maybe you just grab the grain of an idea and let it evolve -- like the Big Bang thing. There’s this little ball of infinitely dense super dirt floating in the Great Void. Something touches that puppy off and hold-your-horses here we go.

Let’s start with Intelligent Design Creationism. This theory proposes that the world is too complex to have happened by evolutionary accident, and that some intellect must be behind it. If this implies that anything more complicated than we can get our heads around must come from Divine Intervention, then the people behind the new prescription drug plan are on the fast track to sainthood.

Of course, like String Theory – which they don’t believe in either -- there are many varied strands within the ID community. You have the Young Earth Creationist crowd who insist the world was created by God 6 to 10 thousand years ago over a six day period. They know this is true because it says so in the Bible. To explain the multi-million-year-old fossil record they point out that the Earth is young, but God made it to appear older than it is – like Keith Richards.

Counter to the Young Earth banner under the ID tent is PC – not what you think – PC is Progressive Creationism. The big idea behind PC is that God actually created the Big Bang and most of what followed but rejects the bigger part of modern biology. Theistic Evolution takes this one step further and says that God creates through evolution and that although the world is very old, it is constantly evolving into something new. Think of Meg Ryan, or your health insurance coverage.

Also included in the ID platform are the Flat Earthers and Geocentrists. One would have to go back before Copernicus to find theories quite this… inspired, but I can see the appeal. If you believe the Earth is flat and/or the center of the universe you will never again have to pay attention in science class or watch another episode of Nova.

Of course, unless you fell out of the tree yesterday you know that the ID creationists are not the only dog in this fight.

MME, Methodological Materialistic Evolution believes that Darwin’s Theories are essentially the way things work, but doesn’t eliminate the possibility that God is behind it all. Like Theistic Evolution, if you’re keeping score at home – MME-ers might believe that evolution is the hand of God, but they’re just as likely to leave the whole God notion to individuals to decide.

Then there’s PME. Philosophical Materialistic Evolution. This is the godless cinderblock building of evolutionary theory. The claim is that not only is evolution a natural random process, but so is everything else, and that the supernatural does not exist. The lowest form of PME’s has looked over at least one science book that shows the monkey-to-man shadow pictures going across the page and that’s why they believe in evolution. The highest functioning PME’s are really good at science, but they scare the hell out of creationists and do about as much good for the evolutionary debate as the Flat Earthers do for the other side.

Here is the basic divide within the evolution camp: When PME’s don’t know what causes something they call it a mystery and do some more experiments. When MME’s don’t know something they call it a Mystery, with a capitol M, and do some more experiments.

So, where do I fall in all of this? It’s pretty clear to me and I’ll make if perfectly clear for you. The two sides aren’t really all that far apart if you consider that within the ID community the Theistic Evolutionists and the Progressive Creationists are essentially all Methodological Materialistic Evolutionists and if you can keep the Geocentrists and Flat Earthers away from the Philosophical Materialistic Evolutionists (and off of the school boards) there’s reason to think all this monkey business could evolve into a genuine creative collaboration of tolerant intellects and confident souls rather than the sound of a bunch of empty heads like mine bouncing off of each other.

As heard on The Bob Edwards Show on XM/Sirius Radio March 15, 2006